Wait... What did you say?!

I have been told many things, called many names, had many a comment made on my appearance over the years but never quite like the one I had today. I am not sure how I feel about it, it is true but that does not mean it is pleasant - I feel like the ugly duckling that just found out: 'nope, you are just an ugly duck.'

You must understand the surgery that I just had in order to appreciate the situation today. I had a severely herniated disc (between C6 & C7 for those of you that know what that means), at the base of my neck and shoulders for those of you who understand normal speak. The disc was pushing on the C7 nerve root and causing stenosis (narrowing) of my spinal column. Basically, I have been in constant pain and on numerous medications since the beginning of March when I fell at work. Yes, at work, on ice, in Colorado - go figure.

I underwent surgery on Friday afternoon to remove the disc, put in a bone graft then plate and screw it all together. I was kept in the hospital extra long (instead of a discharge Friday night like I hoped - I had to beg to get out on Sunday night)because I was having swallowing difficulties and could not breathe normally.

The surgeon tapered off the steroids, which were helping me breathe through the swelling and they ended last night. Today, I am hanging around the house, having trouble breathing like everyday since Sunday and the Work Comp Nurse called again to check in. She has been calling since Monday, but she has been calling my work cell, which is muted on the counter so I have not been answering. Anyhow, I decided to try her again this afternoon just to check in and see if there was something else I should be doing. As we started to talk, she asked about my voice since I sound like Mickey Mouse and my breathing which was labored (duh, the steroids ran out). She completely freaked out, told me to call the doctor immediately or go to the emergency room and hung up. I started to cry, which makes it harder to breathe - I mean, I am at home, 30 minutes from anywhere with no neighbors and no way to get to the doctor as quickly as she was telling me to. I called my better half and Mom. Mom had been talking to me all afternoon via email and knew I was not feeling well, particularly today and we were trying to figure out what was going on. She was also one hour ahead of him, so she was the ride I needed. He would meet us at the Doctor.

The Doctor looked me over, checked oxygen levels, pulse, respiration and such and said - 'You are having trouble breathing and swallowing because you have a lot of trauma in your neck from the intubation and surgery.' (Yep, doc - knew that already). Then came 'You have a short, fat neck, basically no-neck. So the swelling has no place to go, it is staying in your throat and moving into your face and chest.' OK! Now we are getting someplace - solution is to go back on steroids. Sounds great! Then it hits me; she just said I have a short fat neck - not the long luxurious neck of a swan that I have always envisioned?! Maybe I heard wrong. I asked - I heard it right 'short and fat, basically no-neck'. Interesting food for thought. This piece of honest truth is causing me to re-evaluate my entire self image. I guess tall, slender, elegant don't fit into this Stout's genes.

We went to the pharmacy, picked up some groceries and came back home. I am also instructed to sleep in my lazy boy instead of my super comfy California king bed - always the good with the bad. The Doctor was very firm that I not be left alone tomorrow because my swelling is severe enough that I may need to go to the emergency room. R is on a short day so Mom will be with me while he is gone. I am trying to find something fun to do tomorrow - a short drive, quick shopping trip. I'll probably wind up sitting on the porch watching my better half ride my mower and pout.

*****
I asked and was given a priesthood blessing. While the content is private and holy, I will say that my faith has been renewed and refreshed. I am not one to often ask for a blessing; most of the time just knowing that the option is available provides enough sustenance to get me through. I cannot explain the comfort, peace, joy and renewal that comes from having a worthy priesthood holder, also my dear husband of 13 years, place his hands on my head to pronounce a blessing. I am so blessed - even with my short, fat neck.